Most of us have underlying things going on. Attachment dysregulation, depression, eating disorders, post traumatic stress disorders and the like. Some of us were barely holding on before all of this.
Some people are feeling ok. Others have just had the volume turned to 11. We may be swinging back and forth between these. Some of us have resources and *sometimes they work. Sort of a coin toss, right?
We all have:
different capacities for connection,
different ways of reacting to stress,
and widely varied needs and desires…
on any given day or hour.
I’m hearing people (lots of people) say they are not comfortable reaching out for connection, because this is a hard and different time and they don’t want to be a burden. Also, it’s hard to reach out during our nervous system’s freeze responses or a mental health escalation.
And sometimes, for whatever reason, we might feel the need to sit alone with our uncomfortable, unwieldy feelings, right?
One more thing–reaching out when shame and rejection wounds are a part of your story can be uncontrollably overwhelming and even painful. Right now, many of us are freezing up a little, even collapsing.
Friends who don’t have the capacity or readiness to connect will not answer, or they will answer and tell you in one way or another that they do not have the capacity right now.
We cannot force capacity. If the people who typically make you feel good, or who you want to connect with or check in on are not available, send them well wishes and stay focused. Try not to make premature conclusions or take someone else’s needs personally.
Marshall Rosenberg, the founder of Nonviolent Communication, referred to this as “dogging for our needs,” or persisting, without demanding. If a dog runs into a room, it will eventually find the people who like dogs and want to pet them. Right?
Please know there are trusted friends and family who are available. Lots of us are wanting connection; it’s not just you.