It’s sunny and hot on my head, back, and legs. I’m laying on the ground, face down, aware I’ve left my sweater on. My dog is a Northern type and shedding profusely, but he still wants to lie right by me. I put my blanket down on the grass and he plopped down. Now he’s happily panting and half-sleeping.
In the background, my kids are sharing and therefore tussling a little over their Pokémon cards. Occasionally, the sound of a handful of tears and stomping off floats my way on the warm air. We’re pre-teening here. It’s different and new and tender and tenuous.
My husband is playing his guitar on the porch. I’m listening to it all, and feeling selfishly protective of this time I’ve stolen away to write. We’re heading to our friends’ in a bit, and we had breakfast with another family beloved to us this morning.
I woke up with something on my mind. My small rural town has forgotten that being conservative doesn’t mean being judgmental and dismissive of the concerns of people bearing the mantle of discrimination. It’s funny, because the two–conservative values and judgment, are separate. They’ve interwoven.
And when I say it’s funny, I mean it’s not funny at all. How can the many beautiful things that comprise home occur within a community that idly bolsters hate, by refusing to look at the implications of its throat clearing and awkward avoidance? The tension is arduous, and though I live in the midst of abundant beauty, watching the dominant culture gobble up anything in its way is wearying.
Until it’s inspiring. That’s the wheel we live on–inspired, wearied, repeat. So, in turns, we all must continue to push against the gobblers. Once they know, they’ll be so happy to have a different option. I’ve lived in other places. Opening our minds is not as painful as it seems. One push past our own smallness can bring the greatest sigh of relief.
I have two thoughts for you, my favorite niece. The first is: have you heard of a book called “Radical Dharma”? The need to stand up despite the discomfort is what I’ve gleaned from it so far. There may very well be more.
And second, can you say more about how conservative and dismissive/judgmental are separate and yet interwoven? I can grok the separate, but are you saying they are always interwoven or just in your neck of the woods?
Props for continuing to explore. Even with a hot dog next to you.
Hello, my favorite uncle. I have not heard of Radical Dharma. I will add it to my list, and the recommendation feels timely. The work of standing up despite the discomfort is definitely a driving force for me. You’ve seen that in action, and I appreciate your constant encouragement, as well as Sheila’s.
Regarding the second question–I don’t feel conservative values and judgment are inherently or always interwoven. We have had a significant rupture of trust in our community, that clarifies how willing people are to couch judgment and intolerance beneath “conservative values.”
Happily, I could clarify the wording above to read, “For some, they’ve interwoven,” but I’ll leave it for now because I’d initially written, “in some circles they’ve interwoven,” but it didn’t feel true based on what I’ve experienced. I sat for a very long time and tried to identify one conservative friend who wasn’t disturbed by either homosexuality, transgender, Black Lives Matter, equity and diversity concepts, or care for refugees. I felt like writing “in some circles” was my effort to keep my optimistic delusion alive, that there are conservatives who are welcoming of all neighbors. I know they are out there, and perhaps that’s what disturbs me most, is that I have yet to find them in my journeying. I trust it will happen though, as I continue to push out into the world and broaden my own experience of this country and society.