Today does not feel good. I’m happier than I’ve been in my life. These days still happen, because they are normal. Nothing is wrong, though there are many of life’s nuisances begging for me to react to them. We are trained to think something is wrong if we’re sitting in the midst of life’s unpleasantries, feeling them.
First, it’s not true. Second, feeling is feeling. It’s not my fault the things I’m feeling are sort of lousy. The dog is ill and was in and out all night, my son was more Spartacus than Renaissance man this morning, and boy let me tell you about the beauty amid the constraints of rural American life.
We should reteach ourselves to understand that feeling uncomfortable sensations, while in the midst of them, is worthy of a high five. Usually we escape, distract, divert, or otherwise numb these equally valid parts of living fully human. Of course some of us, myself included, have a history of wallowing in them, completely unaware we’re only in knee deep water and standing up is a valid option.
We all find our edges, one way or another.
Today I sat and ate at the coffee shop across the street. I stared at the Ball jar of yellow daisies on the windowsill. Half of them were wilted, brownish. The water was murky. They stood, nonetheless, in their solid, medium-yellow vibrancy. I looked through the jar, past it, to the gray, drab, cold spring day outside the window.
All of me said, yes. I feel you. I feel that way today, too.
I finished eating, amidst the sounds swirling around me; a nearby conversation, where a mother and her adult son intensely spoke of scripture and God’s plan, the sound of the coffee machine, the music the women working behind the counter danced to, just a little, and the discussions of a few young women and their dietary research about how input of this or that resulted in this or that metabolic response.
All of it just noise, all with its own meaning. I kept softly gazing at those flowers in their murky water, vibrating quietly at my own frequency and allowing the sounds to fade into an external din. Then, I walked home. Today, I think, will be a napping day.