This is a frustrated political piece. Scroll on if you must, because sometimes we must. But if you’re feeling as equally angry as I am today, please do read on. I’m not done being angry. If you want to know how I really feel about this issue, alongside all the love and inclusion I take care to live from, read on. There is something helpful about admitting you, too, are really pissed some days. Namaste.
I am watching, from this place of clear thinking I’ve been able to protect. I began my preparation for a Trump presidency in January of 2016. That post marks the first day I was willing to admit I’m furious so many people are hellbent to rip out the fresh seedlings and little patches of equality, human rights, and dignity, that have grown over the last few years, and are happy to stifle, smother, and kick people in pain over the loss.
It was the first post I wrote where I was willing to admit that I am disgusted that Donald Trump happily flicked a match on all their bullshit. Selfish. Bullshit.
That month, I began literally changing the way my day to day life operates. I started to look into the way I rely on and use systems, and how I do almost everything. I did it quietly. In fact, I didn’t talk with a single person about it, until I had a powerful, and wonderful debate with my stepmother-in-law, about why I’d chosen to vote for Bernie Sanders over Hillary Clinton in the primary election. And then, coming out of my mouth, I choked on it a little, because it was scary to admit. “I am doing everything in my power to build a life and home environment that will protect us from the reality of a Trump presidency.”
And now, in the wake of his election, and all that continues to occur since, I am watching communication skills become even more obsolete, social media become more damaging, (but also useful!), and I am watching my community and loved ones break into little camps of A) Fear, and all the behaviors of an anxious psychology, B) Hopeful cheer that it will all be fine and checks and balances will take care of the Trump, C) Hopelessness, or D) They’ve moved on; back to the ordinary everyday, with gleeful opinion that our country is in great hands, and a God bless Donald Trump, to boot.
OK, on my best days, I am fully aware there is a rising tide of love, also, that is benefiting our country. I grew up in Wyoming. I knew this guy had a chance. I was not surprised, in the least. I was, angry. I was, sad. Call me self-righteous, but I care for the underdog. Always have, always will. I also know the underdog knows how to fight, and survive. And when I see a selfish person, with a loud mouth, saying whatever the power-drenched cacaphonic hell he wants, and whenever he wants, I do not think the wellbeing of the underdog is on his mind. Hello! The man’s filter is broken. There are no secrets in his playbook.
Power. Money. Bravado. Those are the things on his mind, and as for what’s in his heart? Because I am made of love, and practice love, and am all about the love, I’d love to know, but certainly I don’t see him as a victim of the media. I don’t see him as a victim of the liberals, the liberal elites, or anyone at all. I see him as a person who hedges his bets and doesn’t care what is dumped out the backside of a deal gone wrong. Because nothing is precious to this guy, aside from his brand. A business mogul is about the brand. His brand. The Trump brand.
Yet here, he was able to convince many people to vote for him; to trust him to protect our children. To trust him to protect our country. To elevate him to the top. And some days I can laugh at how incredulous this is. Other days, I can hold faith in other elected officials to serve as the appropriate checks and balances we so hope will scaffold up this shit show. Many days, I am grateful, so grateful to the people who are mounting up, diving into policy and lobby, and writing letters. I am grateful for those who are doing the research, and action, needed to fight this fight. So grateful. And today, I am angry. So angry.
Please know–I understand. Deeply. People want change, and economic equality, and affordable healthcare. They want the “broken healthcare and education institutions to be fixed.” (First of all, so do the educators, and healthcare providers, at least the great majority.) But it is increasingly apparent, that they don’t care what is further broken in the process. They have called for things, in fact, to be broken.
Further, they want something that only Donald Trump could provide. They want for all that has been given freedom in the past eight years to be slapped back down because they believe, in their hearts, that something has been taken from them. I won’t argue, because if you feel this way, you have been feeling this way for a while. In fact, your entire belief system, operating system, and coping system, are predicated upon it. That’s not something I can ask you to change. So I won’t. But I will say that you, too, are no victim.
If you’ve found yourself in a shithole of a situation, a life you don’t love, and a country you don’t think is great, that’s about something old, deep, and treacherous. If you live in a place that doesn’t feel like “home,” and you’ve been trapped there for too long, and you are blaming the government, the sad truth is this–you voted for this man to pop you out of a rut he’ll bury you in. You voted based on blind hope, for something that may or may not be buried in a shit sandwich, because you didn’t see any bit of “yourself” reflected in Barack Obama, Bernie Sanders, or Hillary Clinton.
It is not Donald Trump who will fix all that you can’t reconcile with, and I believe, deep down, you know that, too. Your vote, was a decision made to try and validate every decision, heartbreak, invalidation, and loss you’ve experienced, right up to the moment you saw the face of Donald Trump and deemed him a savior.
If you voted for Donald Trump, it is because you see some part of yourself in him, reflected right back to you, and you missed that truth in the selfish glimmer. It is every part of yourself that has been told it’s less than, that voted for Donald Trump. He’s unlikable. He’s mean. He’s petty. He’s jealous. He’s selfish. You watched him be all of these things. You noticed. You noticed him gloating, and untouchable, and not caring. You saw him as strong, and unbroken, and “giving no fucks”to his haters. That is what you liked.
So, I would say it is your desire for the hijab to be gone from your sight, that voted for him. Or your desire for mouths to be slapped shut if they sound “pretentious,” or “elite,” or more intelligent than you feel society has judged you to be (and that is your own judgment slapping you down, by the way, and it is called anxious projection–insecurity).
It is your desire to eradicate supports for the fragile, and the dependent, if you fear you are either of those, that voted for him. It is your desire for English to be the language supreme if you don’t understand other languages, and maybe because of that you can admit you are self-centered, and your vote was self-centered. It is your desire for people to submit to your beliefs and values. It is your desire to be able to say the horrid things no one is any longer supposed to say, and then be able to laugh about them like “back then,” before the educated, elite, liberal, pretentious, uppity, changed things.
It is your desire for your worst behaviors to again be acceptable. You voted for yourself, your worst self, and there is no excuse. And the rest of you, for whom this does not resonate, well, you threw up the lousiest Hail Mary I’ve ever witnessed, and right when it mattered most. Today, I am angry, and there is no excuse, and yet, my heart will not be hardened by your decision.