Reflecting today as I stare down gluten free playdough recipes. I tried one of the baking soda dough recipes, with 2 cups of baking soda, wondering about the intelligence of preparing to “play” with a wad of base.
As predicted, my commmoner’s hands, with all their cracks and cuts, threw that playdough into the trash. Now, on to the next one. But first, the dissonance is too great to pass unnoticed.
This time last year, there was little play. Instead, in my free time, there was silence, and carefully concerted effort to safely tuck away the worry about my clients as the weather changed, the light faded, and the trigger gauntlet–the Holiday Season, rolled out. Worry about who would go to the darkest places, whether their medication levels were safely adjusted, or their therapy was in sync with their hearts and predictably unpredictable brains.
I typed minds, and then changed it to brains. There is a nuance here. Sometimes–it is lost on people that it is not the “mind” that carries mental illness. Mental illness is not elaborate psychological smoke and mirrors.
Yes–it is the mind that carries the wounds, the excuses, and the entrapment we find ourselves in. It is the mind we gently, or more unnecessarily and harshly, try to massage and shame into order.
But it is the organ, the brain, that carries it all for us, both the mental illness and the various antidotes. So thank you little brains, for carrying us through this darker time of year. Thank you for allowing us to see and find the light in the grey.
Thank you olfactory sense, for smelling the earthy decaying leaves, the pumpkin spice overload, and the smoke of wood burning fires. Thank you auditory centers, for translating the wind rustling the leaves, the laughter of children, and the birds. Thank you vision centers, for all the vibrant colors…the layers of brown on green on yellow on orange on red.
Thank you gustatory sense, for taking in all the complexity of good soup. Thank you tactile! For the feel of the crispness, and the chill across my face that lets me know to put on a scarf, a soft hat, and cozy up. Yes, thank you for warm AND cold AND soft and cozy.
Thank you, proprioceptive and vestibular! For the sense of myself in space, here very small and contained, and safe. Thank you mind, for hearing the whims of my heart, the murmurings of my soul, and for playing together nicely.
In homage to all the people I’ve cared for, and all the people I still care for here in my own little ways: May you be well, and safely pass through the tunnel of this fall and winter. May we see you on the other side, as the crocus push through into the earliest part of spring.
May you know your brain is good and strong, and in spite of any idiosyncracies it carries for you, you are meaningful here and always–through suffering and shine. Namaste
image from: https://turnend.wordpress.com/2015/02/03/let-it-snow-let-it-snow-let-it-snow/
