Today is a big day. I am renewing my registered nursing license, but not my nurse practitioner license. This feels like taking a coat I love, but that is too big, or maybe too small, and certainly uncomfortable for reasons too multifaceted to ever articulate clearly, to Goodwill.
I am embracing fully, that I am evolving. I had intended to leave today, on a ten day writing retreat, with women I do not yet know. An exercise in commitment, to my new life, and a path that brings me joy. I did not go, but not because I am uncertain.
I stayed home, because my Grandmother, my last remaining grandparent, is sleeping more than awake, and when she is awake, she is speaking the language of the dying who are not quite ready to go. So, in our own ways, the whole family is sending her our love, and in-waiting.
My Great Aunt, our other remaining elder, is in the hospital, recovering from a fall, and doing well, but not really, because—she is in the hospital, recovering from a fall. More gentle waiting, for news, with hope, and breath.
There will be another retreat, soon enough, and I will attend one of them, and I will learn from these women. But for now, sitting, and letting go, and quietly preparing to look into the face of that big, bright moon. No coat, just me. Newly simplified, with a plate yet too full.