In 2016 I will eat more vegetables, drink more water, and exercise more. I will eat fewer chocolate-covered gluten-free pretzels. I will rest more, aim for a 9:30 bedtime, and read for enjoyment. I will be mindful to appreciate my children, my husband, and my home. I will swear less (at my children, my husband, and my home) and shave my legs more. I will make it to all of my dental, eye, gyn, dermatology, and primary care appointments – in a reasonable timeframe. I will get my children to all of their immunizations, physicals, dental, and eye checks. I will wear less headbands and ponytails and more mascara. (Mostly because I had all my hair cut off today. So…headbands only, baby.) We will be outside in the fresh air more, and touch nature a lot, but not the kind of nature you are not supposed to touch. You know, like living creatures, etc. I will expose the swiftly expanding brains of my 2 children to language, music, a variety of sports, horseback riding, yoga, chess, fencing, archery, animal nurturance, sewing, all of the arts, swimming lessons, cooking, legos, robotics, sewing, dance, gymnastics, and drama. (We had to narrow it down.) I will protect enough time for free play, social opportunities, and homework. I will supervise, but ne’er shall I hover. I will lovingly feed everyone (and me) all of their vitamins, minerals, omegas, probiotics, antioxidants, brainfoods, and fresh organic anti-inflammatory smoothies with a healthy dose of hidden greens. I will find a pet unicorn for my family. I will watch craigslist for it, every day, and offer exactly $20 less than the asking price. (I will offer a reasonable trade first, and I will ask them to throw in one of their houseplants.) I will learn to ride a motorcycle, but not until my house has been clean, consistently, for 147 days. (147 is not a prime number.) I will have really good posture, and remember to breathe mindfully, and avoid swearing. I will smile and be authentic, and not shame others. I will only talk about people behind their backs when they have been real assholes. To animals or children. I will be a good wife, with lots of sexy-ness, and never wear frumpy underwear or weird clothes, but I will not be confined by gender roles or expectations, oh no no. I will be patient and wise when I am in the midst of an awkward perimenopausal menses, after two missed cycles, and my children are being mini-tyrannical and there are no groceries aside from Halloween candy, but only the lousy stuff because I already ate all the good stuff. I will plant a lovely garden, with foods that sparkle with nutritional lustre. I will plant with the Monarch butterflies, bees, birds, feral cats, and my children’s needs in mind. I will eat seasonally, locally, and with respect to this hurting earth. I will not cheat on my recycling, I will not leave my coffee mug or reusable grocery sacks in the car, and I will not leave my computer and iPhone plugged in all night long. I will swear less, wait, I already said that. I will learn to play the cello, and to play more with my kids. I will play board games with my kids. I will let them pick. I will let them make up the rules. I will not oppress or lord over them like a jerkweed, demanding they follow the rules exactly as printed by the makers of the game. Like this:
(I am not sponsored by Scrabble or Hydroflask, just in case you were wondering.) I will not rip off bandaids while promising them I won’t. I will let them cook, with abandon and merry mess-making, and dancing in the kitchen, to pop music stars. I will avoid topics of controversy, such as politics, gun control, body image, religion, the mentally ill, those in poverty, pop stars, equal rights, the constitution, who would be a better president – Hugh Hefner or Napoleon Dynamite – unless I am with people who enjoy controversy, and in that case, I will go to the bathroom a lot, but I will not stare at them uncomfortably when it gets out of hand, or tell them to knock that shit off because it is unnecessary and stressful. No, I will not. And I will not piss and moan about how I am a member of the middle class, in the United States of America, or how my spouse and I are both in the business of honoring and serving fellow humans (even the weird or bothersome ones, and especially the young ones), and therefore we are doomed financially, and paying on student loans we are too burnt out to make profitable use of and still be married, with happy children. (Actually we paid off my husband’s student loans, but one of us keeps going back to school, so it will be only me who pays on these debts in 2016, silently, but without being too martyr-like.) I will improve the grammar on my blog. I will use less run on sentences. I will keep up with email, laundry, separating junk mail from bills, dust and cobwebs, phone and text correspondence, the dishes, grocery shopping, bookkeeping and other methods of paperwork torture, rotating out clothing and toys the kids have outgrown, mending torn tutus and reattaching buttons, and weeding, but especially the laundry.
