Finding myself lately on the other side of the tunnel, where there is light. Feeling balance, and hope, IN SPITE OF the days I am utterly and horribly human and messing up all around. That feels like success. And nothing’s REALLY changed. My heart is just a little softer; I have found a soft spot in the junk drawer. Everyone else could see it, but it was hidden from me. But I can feel it now, and it’s a nice change from blindly marching through the fog.
Today marks twenty-nine months of working with a lovely woman who guides me through my own private and excruciating labyrinth of self. It also marks just about 14 years of successful hostage negotiations with a stoic (I mean relationship growth and development); 2 years without my good old dog; and 4 years living in rural Oregon. I am just shy of the 8 year mark as Mom and child and family psychiatric nurse practitioner – two roles I began at the exact same time. Who knew that would be just really hard for me? (Everyone. But me.) This has not been an easy go.
What am I feeling here, in the lightness of untangled knots?
I get to have what I want to have; drink tea or coffee or whatever I please. I can eat lima beans or caramel corn. I can walk the plank on my tippy toes, with treacherous beasts in the deep below. I can wrap up cozy with a blankie so soft and pull it way up to my nose. I can sit right here, where I want to sit. There is no place else to be.
I can rock it, I can drop it, I can sink or swim. I am graceful, I am spaceful, I am just plain me. I can smile, I can frown, I can stomp all around. I can laugh, I can cry, I can roll right by. I can fill my bag, heavy or light, I can carry it long into the dark night. I can dance, I can play, I can sleep all day.
Light as air, without a care. Too dense to float, with a thick, sour moat. Locked in the tower, or full or power, riding a dragon or a wisp of steam.
When you look at me, and I look at you, shuffle the deck, a bushel and a peck. Step through the mirror, life just got clearer, there’s a softness pooling, I’m free.